I Will Travel No Matter How I Look

As we enter the new year, it is easy to get caught up in the “new year, new me” trend and to hop on the bandwagon of setting weight loss and fitness new year’s resolutions. With that in mind, I think it is equally important to set goals and aspirations for the year ahead which do not revolve around changing the amount of space we take up.

I remember the first time my parents booked a big family vacation that wasn’t Disney, a trip to visit family or a winter weekend skiing. We were going to the Dominican Republic for a week of relaxing on the beach and swimming in the pool at an all-inclusive resort.

The winter before our trip and I was sitting next to my mother on a chair-lift when she suggested that we ‘get healthy’ before our trip. Her suggestions included weighing and measuring ourselves and watching what we ate; In addition to our already well-balanced diets. We measured and weighed ourselves that night when we got home from skiing. I was in the 5th grade. This new suggestion was clearly targeted at me as my mother and brother are thin and he was not invited to this new “get healthy club”.

Over the years, travel has become associated with changing the way I look. This is because I was conditioned to believe that it wasn’t acceptable to travel, looking the way I do. My mother has made vague suggestions like this before every trip. Thinly veiled fat-phobia has been the bulkiest thing in my suitcase for years.

When I look back at the pictures from that first trip, I hate the way my elementary school body looks in a bathing suit and the dress I thought was so cute. It is easy to wonder what if there had not been the pressure to change my body, would I enjoy looking back at pictures from that first vacation more?

Over the next 14+ years, I have spent the months leading up to every trip, stressing about my body, the food I eat and the number on the scale. At 21, I spent a spring week in Paris with my family, wearing full length pants and 3/4 length sleeve shirts and cardigans just to hide my body a bit more. Even though the temperatures reached the mid 80s everyday and A/C in France is scarce. When I look back at travel photos I love the memories but I hate the images themselves.

I will not sit here and pretend that I have fixed all of my issues around my body and travel. I will not preach that self-acceptance is easy or that solo travel removes all body stigma because it isn’t true. I will say that acknowledging my feelings, respecting my body and following other travelers who look like me has helped.

I have fitness goals for the new year. I want to swim more, not to lose weight but because I want to break my records and become stronger. I want to travel to new places and spend more time planning the things I will do at my destination, rather than what I will look like when I am there.